Itās really more of a matter of the fact that the type of men that do approach me when Iād otherwise want to be left alone are a problem. I understand that there are plenty of guys who arenāt like that, but I experience a disproportionately large amount ofā¦not so great men. Itās usually incredibly easy to tell if someone is genuinely complimenting me, or if theyāre just trying to get in my pants there. There are so many micro expressions that give it away. And to be frank, if someone seemed nervous and approached me respectfully, Iād usually be quite nice in return, granted that they donāt check an item off my list of no-nos. Itās not men who have good intentions that piss me off, and I realized after posting that initial comment that this post is in a community that doesnāt have much of the same context Iām used to. If I posted that in a womenās space (which is usually where Iām found), other women would know exactly who Iām talking about without me having to clarify.
I think thereās a lot to be said about the issue of overthinking in the way you seem to be. The real enemy here is toxic masculinity that pushes a misogynistic agenda, it isnāt just men. Itās a specific social construct that is used to indoctrinate men. I feel bad for those who feel as if simply the act of being a man is something to be ashamed of. You can be a man and be a good person; the two arenāt mutually exclusive. I do, despite my ranting, know good men that I talk with regularly and get along with just fine. And someone approaching me with more wholesome intentions is not gonna get the horns, so to speak.
I do want to bring one thing up though. As a woman, it is fatiguing to have misogynistic assholes come up to you out of the blue. And the fact that it happens as often as it does makes it harder to feel optimistic about being approached by a man. There is a massive problem currently with gender division/exclusion. Itās based upon the fact that humans tend to generalize people so much. Thatās motivated by our experiences, as our brains love to search for patterns in behaviors. Which means that when we experience one negative thing a lot, it becomes easy to āthrow out the baby with the bathwaterā, so to speak. I have no intention of leaving men as a whole out to dry, but Iāve noticed that thereās a lot of hostility there. I think the problem that we have, perhaps one of the biggest problems with society right now, is a lack of empathy. Which, if youāve caught on, is exactly what toxic masculinity pushes. But womenās exposure to that toxic masculinity pushes it, too. We need some serious societal change to happen in order to even begin fixing these problems. And that change isnāt just going to come from women. It has to come from men who understand the atrocity of misogyny and toxic masculinity, too. After all, if men keep pushing for toxic masculinity, and keep accepting it, then the problem will only continue to get worse.
I also want to make myself clear: if you choose to compliment a woman, like by complimenting her hair, for instance, body language is incredibly important. The difference between someone who is genuinely complimenting me and someone who is trying to get in my pants is usually very obvious. And I think itās very important not to simply make a show of complimenting a woman, regardless of what you say. What I mean by this is, have a normal conversation with her. Ask her (appropriate) things about herself, get to know her, compliment the things that matter in ways that show you see her as a person, and do so as part of a larger conversation (maybe itās just me, but I donāt consider a conversation ānormalā if someone is doing nothing but showering me in compliments; that feels weird, even if theyāre genuine). Youāll have a much better chance of getting asked for coffee (or her accepting your request) if she feels like you care about her as a person. Now, I donāt have advice for one night stands, I just donāt do that and I donāt know how to play that game at all. I mean, technically, I do as a lesbian, but we flirt very differently. But I have a feeling that you arenāt angling at that anyway.
Tbh, I understand feeling like āother people do it better than youā. But what matters to me is someoneās personality. It isnāt just ātheyāre so good at this thing or thatā, itās āwow, we really play off each other well and kinda just fit togetherā. I donāt just approach the most attractive woman in the room, for instance. Iām much more drawn to people who give off the vibes I like to be around, and I have a sneaking suspicion that isnāt just a lesbian thing. Which is exactly why I prefer to just get to know someone rather than play the game of who can compliment the other person more. Romantic interest for me has very little to do with looks, or unique skills, or whatever shallow thing people might brag about themselves. It has much more to do with who a person is inside, and if that fits my own personality well. What kinds of things do they like? What kinds of opinions do they have? Where do they take the conversation, and how do they play off what I say? I donāt know if Iām in the minority there, but for me, that means anyone can really be an option. Someone doesnāt need to be the best at something, they just need to be themselves, and when they are, that tells me if weād work.
I donāt have advice for you on how to get out there and meet people, because my main way of doing that is all queer-oriented activities. Itās much easier to find my people when Iām literally surrounded by them. But I guess, the same would apply to hobby activities? You can meet likeminded people who you have a better chance of getting along with just by doing something you both like together. What Iād caution against doing is going up to random people in a bar (unless youāre looking for a one night stand? Idk the rules there, but I mean, Iām not in that game to begin with) or on the street, or in any place where people are just running errands or getting through their day. People are much more open to talking with others when theyāre doing something theyāre passionate about (and youāre also interested in).
Anyway, TL;DR: I donāt mean to imply that all men are like the ones that come up to me and make me uncomfortable. There are some real societal issues pushing the divide between genders, one of great prominence being toxic masculinity (and by extension misogyny). I donāt really have a solution to that problem, so I cope with it in the best way I can for my own mental health. Itās easy to fall into the trap of feeling ashamed of your own gender, and I get that, but itās not you thatās the problem. And I donāt think that itās pointless to try meeting new people, itās just harder these days to do that organically, so youāve gotta find ways to find other likeminded people who are looking to meet others.
Also, wanna just apologize, I was a lot more defensive than I needed to be because there was a misunderstanding of what I meant. Iām so used to misogyny being perpetuated that I immediately get defensive when I feel like thatās whatās happening. I could have been more clear in my initial comment about what I meant, and a bit less aggressive in my follow-up. I just get heated about these topics, and I think we both made some assumptions about what the other meant that caused a little bit of a misunderstanding.