I see. It sounds like some of the men youāve encountered are pigs, and I can see how putting up with that could make someone cynical. Iām sorry that you go through that.
I overthink a lot because I donāt want to come off that way. I guess I canāt quite imagine the depravity thatās out there, so when I hear people talk about it my mind fills in a placeholder of something more innocuous, and then I worry that the things I thought were innocuous were actually perceived as worse. And that can be kinda paralyzing when I both donāt want to be perceived as a pig and I also donāt want to ruin someoneās day.
Iād still be afraid to compliment someoneās hair or outfit though. You seem to have a rational view, but there have definitely been times when it seemed like people were assuming the worst about me and reacting as if I had said something as depraved as the things you described. Itās not a good feeling. I donāt want to be painted with the same brush.
These days I donāt make an effort to meet people anymore. Iāve learned to accept my loneliness. The dating scene is too hostile, and I was always nervous and awkward about it to begin with. Rejection was always painful, but now it seems to come with extra layers of insult and derision.
I was never really a catch anyway. If thereās anything even remotely likeable about me, someone else does it better, guaranteed. So why should I waste anyoneās time?
Plus, judging solely from most of the discourse online, it seems like women donāt want to be approached at all. So I donāt even try anymore. Like, if she would literally rather encounter a bear in the woods than talk to me, then Iāll just pretend I donāt see her. I just tell myself that Iām expressing my affection by ignoring everyone Iām potentially interested in. Even if I think sheās sending signals, with body language, eye contact, tone, or whatever else, I wouldnāt trust my perception. I would assume Iām misreading the situation, because thatās easier to cope with than risking putting myself out there and being wrong.
Itās really more of a matter of the fact that the type of men that do approach me when Iād otherwise want to be left alone are a problem. I understand that there are plenty of guys who arenāt like that, but I experience a disproportionately large amount ofā¦not so great men. Itās usually incredibly easy to tell if someone is genuinely complimenting me, or if theyāre just trying to get in my pants there. There are so many micro expressions that give it away. And to be frank, if someone seemed nervous and approached me respectfully, Iād usually be quite nice in return, granted that they donāt check an item off my list of no-nos. Itās not men who have good intentions that piss me off, and I realized after posting that initial comment that this post is in a community that doesnāt have much of the same context Iām used to. If I posted that in a womenās space (which is usually where Iām found), other women would know exactly who Iām talking about without me having to clarify.
I think thereās a lot to be said about the issue of overthinking in the way you seem to be. The real enemy here is toxic masculinity that pushes a misogynistic agenda, it isnāt just men. Itās a specific social construct that is used to indoctrinate men. I feel bad for those who feel as if simply the act of being a man is something to be ashamed of. You can be a man and be a good person; the two arenāt mutually exclusive. I do, despite my ranting, know good men that I talk with regularly and get along with just fine. And someone approaching me with more wholesome intentions is not gonna get the horns, so to speak.
I do want to bring one thing up though. As a woman, it is fatiguing to have misogynistic assholes come up to you out of the blue. And the fact that it happens as often as it does makes it harder to feel optimistic about being approached by a man. There is a massive problem currently with gender division/exclusion. Itās based upon the fact that humans tend to generalize people so much. Thatās motivated by our experiences, as our brains love to search for patterns in behaviors. Which means that when we experience one negative thing a lot, it becomes easy to āthrow out the baby with the bathwaterā, so to speak. I have no intention of leaving men as a whole out to dry, but Iāve noticed that thereās a lot of hostility there. I think the problem that we have, perhaps one of the biggest problems with society right now, is a lack of empathy. Which, if youāve caught on, is exactly what toxic masculinity pushes. But womenās exposure to that toxic masculinity pushes it, too. We need some serious societal change to happen in order to even begin fixing these problems. And that change isnāt just going to come from women. It has to come from men who understand the atrocity of misogyny and toxic masculinity, too. After all, if men keep pushing for toxic masculinity, and keep accepting it, then the problem will only continue to get worse.
I also want to make myself clear: if you choose to compliment a woman, like by complimenting her hair, for instance, body language is incredibly important. The difference between someone who is genuinely complimenting me and someone who is trying to get in my pants is usually very obvious. And I think itās very important not to simply make a show of complimenting a woman, regardless of what you say. What I mean by this is, have a normal conversation with her. Ask her (appropriate) things about herself, get to know her, compliment the things that matter in ways that show you see her as a person, and do so as part of a larger conversation (maybe itās just me, but I donāt consider a conversation ānormalā if someone is doing nothing but showering me in compliments; that feels weird, even if theyāre genuine). Youāll have a much better chance of getting asked for coffee (or her accepting your request) if she feels like you care about her as a person. Now, I donāt have advice for one night stands, I just donāt do that and I donāt know how to play that game at all. I mean, technically, I do as a lesbian, but we flirt very differently. But I have a feeling that you arenāt angling at that anyway.
Tbh, I understand feeling like āother people do it better than youā. But what matters to me is someoneās personality. It isnāt just ātheyāre so good at this thing or thatā, itās āwow, we really play off each other well and kinda just fit togetherā. I donāt just approach the most attractive woman in the room, for instance. Iām much more drawn to people who give off the vibes I like to be around, and I have a sneaking suspicion that isnāt just a lesbian thing. Which is exactly why I prefer to just get to know someone rather than play the game of who can compliment the other person more. Romantic interest for me has very little to do with looks, or unique skills, or whatever shallow thing people might brag about themselves. It has much more to do with who a person is inside, and if that fits my own personality well. What kinds of things do they like? What kinds of opinions do they have? Where do they take the conversation, and how do they play off what I say? I donāt know if Iām in the minority there, but for me, that means anyone can really be an option. Someone doesnāt need to be the best at something, they just need to be themselves, and when they are, that tells me if weād work.
I donāt have advice for you on how to get out there and meet people, because my main way of doing that is all queer-oriented activities. Itās much easier to find my people when Iām literally surrounded by them. But I guess, the same would apply to hobby activities? You can meet likeminded people who you have a better chance of getting along with just by doing something you both like together. What Iād caution against doing is going up to random people in a bar (unless youāre looking for a one night stand? Idk the rules there, but I mean, Iām not in that game to begin with) or on the street, or in any place where people are just running errands or getting through their day. People are much more open to talking with others when theyāre doing something theyāre passionate about (and youāre also interested in).
Anyway, TL;DR: I donāt mean to imply that all men are like the ones that come up to me and make me uncomfortable. There are some real societal issues pushing the divide between genders, one of great prominence being toxic masculinity (and by extension misogyny). I donāt really have a solution to that problem, so I cope with it in the best way I can for my own mental health. Itās easy to fall into the trap of feeling ashamed of your own gender, and I get that, but itās not you thatās the problem. And I donāt think that itās pointless to try meeting new people, itās just harder these days to do that organically, so youāve gotta find ways to find other likeminded people who are looking to meet others.
That makes sense. The type of guys who arenāt like that donāt really approach women anymore, because the whole online discourse kinda indicates that women donāt want to be bothered and the guys who respect boundaries respond by leaving them alone.
Itās sad that so many men are misogynistic jerks. Iām sure theyāve always existed, but I think their prevalence nowadays has a lot to do with a combination of social media, right-wing grift, and kremlin psyop money. Itās been documented that thereās a lot of overlap between the manosphere, right-wing grifters, and russian-paid actors. Even Russia itself has publicly said that itās waging a hybrid war to destroy the fabric of western society from within. And where else would these āmanfluencersā be getting their sudden and inexplicable fortunes from?
Unfortunately, a lot of young men and boys are vulnerable to that kind of influence. They lack positive role models, and social media funnels them into these sort of spaces with their algorithms. The problem is complex, and any potential solutions need to be complex to address it. But I think a few key things will include degrifting social media (and the fediverse is one way to make that happen), providing young people (of all genders) with positive role models and opportunities to receive mentorship (funding education is a good place to start, and also providing extracurricular activities in the civil sector where people can volunteer for causes they care about and legitimately feel theyāre making a difference), and healing the rift between genders (which will be difficult because thereās a lot of bad blood, but cycles of hatred only self-perpetuate). Manfluencers would lose their audience if they couldnāt play off the grievance that so many disenchanted young men and boys feel theyāre being left behind and no longer have a place in society. If those same men and boys had more healthy social interactions in gender-diverse settings, theyād be more likely to see women as people and not fall for the caricature of the āangry radfem.ā
Iām not saying the impetus is entirely on women to forgive and forget, but thereās a lot of societal healing that needs to be done, and it will take a long time, maybe generations, but it canāt be done by only one side. Men certainly have a responsibility for detoxifying male-dominated spaces, but it canāt be only on men, because patriarchy and toxic masculinity are perpetuated by men and women alike.
For instance, how does a man address toxic masculinity and harmful patriarchal expectations imposed on men, if topics like āmenās liberationā are viewed as inherently redpilled incel fringe? There have been times when Iāve tried to call out patterns of toxic masculinity and the societal ways theyāre enforced, but people are way to quick to pigeon hole everything into the closest-sounding trope, so then they call me a ānice guyā or an āincelā and other nasty names. Seems like a losing battle.
I mean, I often canāt even talk about problems that men commonly face without being skewered online by people assuming Iām just brainwashed by the manosphere and mindlessly repeating dogwhistles, instead of genuinely concerned about problems that Iāve faced and have noticed other men facing. If thereās no way to have a collaborative discussion about these problems, then itās going to continue perpetuating this āus vs. themā mentality that drives so many impressionable young people into the extremes.
I understand itās exhausting on your part to try to deal with, and believe me, I truly wish you didnāt have to put up with toxic men. If society is going to overcome this trend, men and women need to work together to do so. From my perspective, it really hurts to be lumped into a category with the jerks, especially when I canāt even say ānot all men are like thatā without being mocked. Or if I talk about āmisandry,ā people claim it doesnāt exist, itās a made-up problem, itās just a misogynistic dogwhistle, and they assume I mean it as ācriticizing legitimately bad behavior from menā when I really mean it as āpainting all men with the same brush, assuming all of them are as bad as the worst among them.ā
I understand how easy it is to generalize, though. Sometimes Iāve found myself thinking about āwomenā as a general category, as if they all think the same way as the meanest man-hating redditor online (even the meanest are probably just carrying a lot of pain). Itās hard to remember that some feminists still actually follow the example of bell hooks, who didnāt hate men and viewed them as victims of patriarchy who required healing too.
Weāre hard-wired to generalize. Schemas and heuristics are both well-known phenomena in different fields of psychology. It has evolutionary value, i.e. āBig orange cat = danger!ā But evolution hasnāt exactly equipped us for modern life (our entire stress response system is optimized for wilderness survival situations, not deadlines and commitments), and purely evolutionary behaviors are often maladaptive in civilized society.
I agree that the lack of empathy is a key part of it. Itās a really tough situation, because universal empathy is not the default. Society had to evolve to the point where empathy between strangers was commonplace, and once it got there, it was still fragile and there were always people who were against in. Those people have been feeling emboldened by recent events, and what was left of the shared empathy was shattered. It takes a lot to heal that wound. Feuds donāt dissolve overnight. Thereās a lot of pain and anger on all sides, some of it justifiable, and forgiveness and healing isnāt easy even when the preconditions of remorse and behavioral change are met. And that requires willingness from all sides. I really wish there was an easier and more straightforward path to reconciliation, but seeking simplistic solutions to complex problems is often how those problems get even worse and more complex.
And I appreciate your dating advice, but Iām past the point where I can use it. Iām too burnt out and disillusioned, Iāve been rejected enough for three lifetimes, and I donāt need to put myself through that pain anymore. Itās easier to keep my walls up than to let down my drawbridge and get hurt.
Itās not easy to get to know someoneās personality when their first thought when they see you is āpotential predator.ā Especially when Iām shy and awkward, I notice people tend to find my nervousness off-putting and they think Iām up to no good. I canāt keep up with witty banter in real time, and when I seem hesitant and people see my gears turning, they tend to think Iām being calculating and manipulative rather than scouring the blank surface of my mind for literally anything to say that wonāt sound stupid.
What charred remains of my personality are left are bitter and cynical. Even if I expose my softest, most excitable core, people think Iām a spaz or a freak. If I unmask and infodump about my special interests, people tell me to stop mansplaining and other mean things like that. Okay, so I canāt talk about my passions, but Iām supposed to be open, vulnerable, and interesting? Iām supposed to be charming without seeming fake, when my natural authentic state is super-cringe-level-awkward? I donāt need to keep embarrassing myself by exposing myself to rejection. Itās taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that Iāll probably never find love again. Iāve had it before, and I let it slip through my fingers because I was stupid, so I just tell myself this is my punishment for letting go of what I had.
Also, wanna just apologize, I was a lot more defensive than I needed to be because there was a misunderstanding of what I meant. Iām so used to misogyny being perpetuated that I immediately get defensive when I feel like thatās whatās happening. I could have been more clear in my initial comment about what I meant, and a bit less aggressive in my follow-up. I just get heated about these topics, and I think we both made some assumptions about what the other meant that caused a little bit of a misunderstanding.
Itās okay, itās understandable. I misunderstood what you were saying at first too. These things happen.
Thanks for being reasonable and having a discussion about it, clarifying what you meant and considering my perspective. Itās much healthier than assuming the worst intentions and going on the attack, which is far more common online.
What was it Carol Gilligan said about the ethics of care, that we should try to āascertain the otherās perspectiveā or something along those lines?
I think we had a productive conversation. It certainly expanded my perspective.
I see. It sounds like some of the men youāve encountered are pigs, and I can see how putting up with that could make someone cynical. Iām sorry that you go through that.
I overthink a lot because I donāt want to come off that way. I guess I canāt quite imagine the depravity thatās out there, so when I hear people talk about it my mind fills in a placeholder of something more innocuous, and then I worry that the things I thought were innocuous were actually perceived as worse. And that can be kinda paralyzing when I both donāt want to be perceived as a pig and I also donāt want to ruin someoneās day.
Iād still be afraid to compliment someoneās hair or outfit though. You seem to have a rational view, but there have definitely been times when it seemed like people were assuming the worst about me and reacting as if I had said something as depraved as the things you described. Itās not a good feeling. I donāt want to be painted with the same brush.
These days I donāt make an effort to meet people anymore. Iāve learned to accept my loneliness. The dating scene is too hostile, and I was always nervous and awkward about it to begin with. Rejection was always painful, but now it seems to come with extra layers of insult and derision.
I was never really a catch anyway. If thereās anything even remotely likeable about me, someone else does it better, guaranteed. So why should I waste anyoneās time?
Plus, judging solely from most of the discourse online, it seems like women donāt want to be approached at all. So I donāt even try anymore. Like, if she would literally rather encounter a bear in the woods than talk to me, then Iāll just pretend I donāt see her. I just tell myself that Iām expressing my affection by ignoring everyone Iām potentially interested in. Even if I think sheās sending signals, with body language, eye contact, tone, or whatever else, I wouldnāt trust my perception. I would assume Iām misreading the situation, because thatās easier to cope with than risking putting myself out there and being wrong.
Itās really more of a matter of the fact that the type of men that do approach me when Iād otherwise want to be left alone are a problem. I understand that there are plenty of guys who arenāt like that, but I experience a disproportionately large amount ofā¦not so great men. Itās usually incredibly easy to tell if someone is genuinely complimenting me, or if theyāre just trying to get in my pants there. There are so many micro expressions that give it away. And to be frank, if someone seemed nervous and approached me respectfully, Iād usually be quite nice in return, granted that they donāt check an item off my list of no-nos. Itās not men who have good intentions that piss me off, and I realized after posting that initial comment that this post is in a community that doesnāt have much of the same context Iām used to. If I posted that in a womenās space (which is usually where Iām found), other women would know exactly who Iām talking about without me having to clarify.
I think thereās a lot to be said about the issue of overthinking in the way you seem to be. The real enemy here is toxic masculinity that pushes a misogynistic agenda, it isnāt just men. Itās a specific social construct that is used to indoctrinate men. I feel bad for those who feel as if simply the act of being a man is something to be ashamed of. You can be a man and be a good person; the two arenāt mutually exclusive. I do, despite my ranting, know good men that I talk with regularly and get along with just fine. And someone approaching me with more wholesome intentions is not gonna get the horns, so to speak.
I do want to bring one thing up though. As a woman, it is fatiguing to have misogynistic assholes come up to you out of the blue. And the fact that it happens as often as it does makes it harder to feel optimistic about being approached by a man. There is a massive problem currently with gender division/exclusion. Itās based upon the fact that humans tend to generalize people so much. Thatās motivated by our experiences, as our brains love to search for patterns in behaviors. Which means that when we experience one negative thing a lot, it becomes easy to āthrow out the baby with the bathwaterā, so to speak. I have no intention of leaving men as a whole out to dry, but Iāve noticed that thereās a lot of hostility there. I think the problem that we have, perhaps one of the biggest problems with society right now, is a lack of empathy. Which, if youāve caught on, is exactly what toxic masculinity pushes. But womenās exposure to that toxic masculinity pushes it, too. We need some serious societal change to happen in order to even begin fixing these problems. And that change isnāt just going to come from women. It has to come from men who understand the atrocity of misogyny and toxic masculinity, too. After all, if men keep pushing for toxic masculinity, and keep accepting it, then the problem will only continue to get worse.
I also want to make myself clear: if you choose to compliment a woman, like by complimenting her hair, for instance, body language is incredibly important. The difference between someone who is genuinely complimenting me and someone who is trying to get in my pants is usually very obvious. And I think itās very important not to simply make a show of complimenting a woman, regardless of what you say. What I mean by this is, have a normal conversation with her. Ask her (appropriate) things about herself, get to know her, compliment the things that matter in ways that show you see her as a person, and do so as part of a larger conversation (maybe itās just me, but I donāt consider a conversation ānormalā if someone is doing nothing but showering me in compliments; that feels weird, even if theyāre genuine). Youāll have a much better chance of getting asked for coffee (or her accepting your request) if she feels like you care about her as a person. Now, I donāt have advice for one night stands, I just donāt do that and I donāt know how to play that game at all. I mean, technically, I do as a lesbian, but we flirt very differently. But I have a feeling that you arenāt angling at that anyway.
Tbh, I understand feeling like āother people do it better than youā. But what matters to me is someoneās personality. It isnāt just ātheyāre so good at this thing or thatā, itās āwow, we really play off each other well and kinda just fit togetherā. I donāt just approach the most attractive woman in the room, for instance. Iām much more drawn to people who give off the vibes I like to be around, and I have a sneaking suspicion that isnāt just a lesbian thing. Which is exactly why I prefer to just get to know someone rather than play the game of who can compliment the other person more. Romantic interest for me has very little to do with looks, or unique skills, or whatever shallow thing people might brag about themselves. It has much more to do with who a person is inside, and if that fits my own personality well. What kinds of things do they like? What kinds of opinions do they have? Where do they take the conversation, and how do they play off what I say? I donāt know if Iām in the minority there, but for me, that means anyone can really be an option. Someone doesnāt need to be the best at something, they just need to be themselves, and when they are, that tells me if weād work.
I donāt have advice for you on how to get out there and meet people, because my main way of doing that is all queer-oriented activities. Itās much easier to find my people when Iām literally surrounded by them. But I guess, the same would apply to hobby activities? You can meet likeminded people who you have a better chance of getting along with just by doing something you both like together. What Iād caution against doing is going up to random people in a bar (unless youāre looking for a one night stand? Idk the rules there, but I mean, Iām not in that game to begin with) or on the street, or in any place where people are just running errands or getting through their day. People are much more open to talking with others when theyāre doing something theyāre passionate about (and youāre also interested in).
Anyway, TL;DR: I donāt mean to imply that all men are like the ones that come up to me and make me uncomfortable. There are some real societal issues pushing the divide between genders, one of great prominence being toxic masculinity (and by extension misogyny). I donāt really have a solution to that problem, so I cope with it in the best way I can for my own mental health. Itās easy to fall into the trap of feeling ashamed of your own gender, and I get that, but itās not you thatās the problem. And I donāt think that itās pointless to try meeting new people, itās just harder these days to do that organically, so youāve gotta find ways to find other likeminded people who are looking to meet others.
That makes sense. The type of guys who arenāt like that donāt really approach women anymore, because the whole online discourse kinda indicates that women donāt want to be bothered and the guys who respect boundaries respond by leaving them alone.
Itās sad that so many men are misogynistic jerks. Iām sure theyāve always existed, but I think their prevalence nowadays has a lot to do with a combination of social media, right-wing grift, and kremlin psyop money. Itās been documented that thereās a lot of overlap between the manosphere, right-wing grifters, and russian-paid actors. Even Russia itself has publicly said that itās waging a hybrid war to destroy the fabric of western society from within. And where else would these āmanfluencersā be getting their sudden and inexplicable fortunes from?
Unfortunately, a lot of young men and boys are vulnerable to that kind of influence. They lack positive role models, and social media funnels them into these sort of spaces with their algorithms. The problem is complex, and any potential solutions need to be complex to address it. But I think a few key things will include degrifting social media (and the fediverse is one way to make that happen), providing young people (of all genders) with positive role models and opportunities to receive mentorship (funding education is a good place to start, and also providing extracurricular activities in the civil sector where people can volunteer for causes they care about and legitimately feel theyāre making a difference), and healing the rift between genders (which will be difficult because thereās a lot of bad blood, but cycles of hatred only self-perpetuate). Manfluencers would lose their audience if they couldnāt play off the grievance that so many disenchanted young men and boys feel theyāre being left behind and no longer have a place in society. If those same men and boys had more healthy social interactions in gender-diverse settings, theyād be more likely to see women as people and not fall for the caricature of the āangry radfem.ā
Iām not saying the impetus is entirely on women to forgive and forget, but thereās a lot of societal healing that needs to be done, and it will take a long time, maybe generations, but it canāt be done by only one side. Men certainly have a responsibility for detoxifying male-dominated spaces, but it canāt be only on men, because patriarchy and toxic masculinity are perpetuated by men and women alike.
For instance, how does a man address toxic masculinity and harmful patriarchal expectations imposed on men, if topics like āmenās liberationā are viewed as inherently redpilled incel fringe? There have been times when Iāve tried to call out patterns of toxic masculinity and the societal ways theyāre enforced, but people are way to quick to pigeon hole everything into the closest-sounding trope, so then they call me a ānice guyā or an āincelā and other nasty names. Seems like a losing battle.
I mean, I often canāt even talk about problems that men commonly face without being skewered online by people assuming Iām just brainwashed by the manosphere and mindlessly repeating dogwhistles, instead of genuinely concerned about problems that Iāve faced and have noticed other men facing. If thereās no way to have a collaborative discussion about these problems, then itās going to continue perpetuating this āus vs. themā mentality that drives so many impressionable young people into the extremes.
I understand itās exhausting on your part to try to deal with, and believe me, I truly wish you didnāt have to put up with toxic men. If society is going to overcome this trend, men and women need to work together to do so. From my perspective, it really hurts to be lumped into a category with the jerks, especially when I canāt even say ānot all men are like thatā without being mocked. Or if I talk about āmisandry,ā people claim it doesnāt exist, itās a made-up problem, itās just a misogynistic dogwhistle, and they assume I mean it as ācriticizing legitimately bad behavior from menā when I really mean it as āpainting all men with the same brush, assuming all of them are as bad as the worst among them.ā
I understand how easy it is to generalize, though. Sometimes Iāve found myself thinking about āwomenā as a general category, as if they all think the same way as the meanest man-hating redditor online (even the meanest are probably just carrying a lot of pain). Itās hard to remember that some feminists still actually follow the example of bell hooks, who didnāt hate men and viewed them as victims of patriarchy who required healing too.
Weāre hard-wired to generalize. Schemas and heuristics are both well-known phenomena in different fields of psychology. It has evolutionary value, i.e. āBig orange cat = danger!ā But evolution hasnāt exactly equipped us for modern life (our entire stress response system is optimized for wilderness survival situations, not deadlines and commitments), and purely evolutionary behaviors are often maladaptive in civilized society.
I agree that the lack of empathy is a key part of it. Itās a really tough situation, because universal empathy is not the default. Society had to evolve to the point where empathy between strangers was commonplace, and once it got there, it was still fragile and there were always people who were against in. Those people have been feeling emboldened by recent events, and what was left of the shared empathy was shattered. It takes a lot to heal that wound. Feuds donāt dissolve overnight. Thereās a lot of pain and anger on all sides, some of it justifiable, and forgiveness and healing isnāt easy even when the preconditions of remorse and behavioral change are met. And that requires willingness from all sides. I really wish there was an easier and more straightforward path to reconciliation, but seeking simplistic solutions to complex problems is often how those problems get even worse and more complex.
And I appreciate your dating advice, but Iām past the point where I can use it. Iām too burnt out and disillusioned, Iāve been rejected enough for three lifetimes, and I donāt need to put myself through that pain anymore. Itās easier to keep my walls up than to let down my drawbridge and get hurt.
Itās not easy to get to know someoneās personality when their first thought when they see you is āpotential predator.ā Especially when Iām shy and awkward, I notice people tend to find my nervousness off-putting and they think Iām up to no good. I canāt keep up with witty banter in real time, and when I seem hesitant and people see my gears turning, they tend to think Iām being calculating and manipulative rather than scouring the blank surface of my mind for literally anything to say that wonāt sound stupid.
What charred remains of my personality are left are bitter and cynical. Even if I expose my softest, most excitable core, people think Iām a spaz or a freak. If I unmask and infodump about my special interests, people tell me to stop mansplaining and other mean things like that. Okay, so I canāt talk about my passions, but Iām supposed to be open, vulnerable, and interesting? Iām supposed to be charming without seeming fake, when my natural authentic state is super-cringe-level-awkward? I donāt need to keep embarrassing myself by exposing myself to rejection. Itās taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that Iāll probably never find love again. Iāve had it before, and I let it slip through my fingers because I was stupid, so I just tell myself this is my punishment for letting go of what I had.
Also, wanna just apologize, I was a lot more defensive than I needed to be because there was a misunderstanding of what I meant. Iām so used to misogyny being perpetuated that I immediately get defensive when I feel like thatās whatās happening. I could have been more clear in my initial comment about what I meant, and a bit less aggressive in my follow-up. I just get heated about these topics, and I think we both made some assumptions about what the other meant that caused a little bit of a misunderstanding.
Itās okay, itās understandable. I misunderstood what you were saying at first too. These things happen.
Thanks for being reasonable and having a discussion about it, clarifying what you meant and considering my perspective. Itās much healthier than assuming the worst intentions and going on the attack, which is far more common online.
What was it Carol Gilligan said about the ethics of care, that we should try to āascertain the otherās perspectiveā or something along those lines?
I think we had a productive conversation. It certainly expanded my perspective.