The protest was already feral. Pots clanged like industrial thunder. Whistles screamed like caffeinated banshees. Smoke detectors shrieked like dying cybernetic birds. Guitars wailed in the key of We Are Not Taking This Anymore. Protesters chanted. People laughed. The air vibrated with that very specific end-of-empire energy where your brain says this is insane but your soul says don’t stop, this is sacred.

Across the barricades stood a row of cops in riot gear. Helmets. Batons. Armor. Gas masks. High-vis jackets. The full authoritarian cosplay kit. They looked like they were guarding nuclear launch codes. They were guarding a hotel lobby full of ICE agents who were about to be spiritually obliterated by a box of clearance-bin dicks.

The first dildo flew through the air like a rubber prophecy and skidded to a stop directly at the boots of a state trooper.

And that’s when the United States government lost its entire fucking mind.

Before anyone could even laugh properly, before a second dildo could achieve liftoff, before reality had time to process the absurdity of what had just happened, the cops panicked like Victorian men seeing an ankle.

Tear gas.

Pepper balls.

Instant chaos.

The very first rubber dick to touch government-issued leather boots triggered a full-blown chemical weapons response. That is not metaphor. That is not exaggeration. That is a literal sentence that happened in America in 2026.

They gassed us.

They launched pepper balls.

They turned a dildo joke into a war crime speedrun.

The cops stood there, choking us, shooting pepper balls at people holding noise makers and rubber penises, desperately trying to reassert dominance over pieces of silicone that had emotionally defeated them in under sixty seconds. They couldn’t pick them up. They couldn’t leave them there. They couldn’t kick them away without becoming a meme. So they did what every insecure authoritarian does when confronted with humiliation.

They escalated.

I stood there, half-blind, lungs on fire, thinking:

We just got tear-gassed over a dildo.

Not a brick. Not a Molotov. Not a weapon.

A rubber dick.

That is how fragile federal masculinity is in 2026.

We didn’t even get to the full distribution phase before they freaked out. The mere presence of one dildo at their feet was enough to trigger chemical weapons. That’s how paper-thin their authority is. That’s how little it takes to make them go full riot-cop meltdown mode.

While we didn’t shut down ICE that night, we did show that their power collapses the moment it’s confronted with absurdity.

We proved that you can bring a trillion-dollar security apparatus to its knees with one well-aimed rubber cock.